The Art of Legal Theft: A Take on the Banking Industry


You know what’s great about banks? Absolutely nothing. Well, I take that back. I guess it’s kind of nice to have a place to stash all your cash so you don’t have to bury it in your backyard like some kind of treasure-seeking pirate. But other than that, banks are pretty much the worst.

Let’s start with the obvious: fees. Banks just love tacking on fees for every little thing. Want to withdraw money from an ATM that’s not owned by your bank? That’ll be a fee. Want to have a checking account? That’ll be a fee. Want to breathe the air inside the bank? You guessed it, that’s a fee too. It’s like they’re actively trying to make you hate them.

And don’t even get me started on overdraft fees. They act like it’s your fault for not having enough money in your account, but then they charge you a fee for not having enough money in your account. It’s like if a restaurant charged you a fee for not bringing your own food.

But you know what’s even worse than fees? Interest rates. Banks love to charge you interest for borrowing money from them, but when it comes to paying you interest on the money you’ve deposited, suddenly they’re all like “oh, sorry, we can’t afford to give you any interest right now. Maybe try again next century?”

And let’s not forget about the lovely customer service you get at banks. It’s like they go out of their way to hire the most unhelpful people they can find. I swear, I’ve had better luck getting customer service from a brick wall. And don’t even bother trying to call their customer service line. You’ll be on hold for so long, you’ll forget what you even called for in the first place.

But the thing that really gets me about banks is how they act like they’re doing you a favor by holding onto your money. Like they’re some kind of benevolent guardian, protecting your money from the big bad world. Meanwhile, they’re investing your money in all kinds of shady things behind the scenes, making a profit off your hard-earned cash while you get a measly interest rate in return.

Oh, how about the whole “too big to fail” thing? Banks are like these giant, bloated monsters that have their fingers in every pie, and when they screw up, suddenly it’s everyone else’s problem. It’s like if Godzilla was allowed to stomp around Tokyo, and then the government was expected to clean up the mess.

But hey, at least banks are good for one thing: giving us material for jokes. I mean, what other industry is so universally despised that it’s become a punchline in its own right? It’s like we’re all in on the joke together. So in a way, maybe banks are doing us a favor after all. They’re bringing us together through our mutual hatred of them. And really, isn’t that what life’s all about?

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